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When we practice on something, after some time we will definitely become better at it.

Like now I am better at stopping conversations even before they started no matter if it is Malay or English.
Like now I am much better at building that invisible wall so that I trust only few.(or none, no offence)
Like now when I rarely speak to people, I have difficulties saying out loud my thoughts.
And worst, I am so much better at not talking, now I'm talking with no one outside my home.

Kind of sad really but doing those things are much easier than having to interact with others.
I don't have to remember his/her name, the stories they told, the things they like or don't. It's not that they are being irritating but I'm saving myself the fuss of feeling guilty.
Plain selfish, ain't I?

Now I'm feeling nothing.
Just move on.
And moving on.
Without a glance of the present.
Because now, I'm sure I worth nothing.

Nervous

Have you ever feel like sleeping is wasting your time and you need to wake up and continue to study and study and study. Luckily, although I have that kind of feelings all the time, I have never had the strength to do it. Huh. Now that I've done with paper 33 CIE Mathematics, all the motivations that I had before seems to vanished. A week to go for the next paper. AHHH. Okay, I better start to study now.

UKCAT

oh no. Slacked big time!

AS results

Well well well, 13th of August, right on 1.00pm I checked my result for the AS examination. Alhamdulillah, thank God I got 4As for my AS. Though I am a bit disaapointed with my percentile, I am still grateful to get such result.

Now, although it's just a few months ago I've finished my AS A2 is coming up real soon. Like seriously soon enough that I am having goosebumps for just bringng this topic up. Ughhh. And yeah, A2 is like triple hard than AS. Oh my, what am I doing here rambling about things, I should go start my exercises now!

Till then, Assalamualaikum.

False hope

I might have been too optimistic, but I wont regret it. Though it seems like a decade ago I rejected the UKM 's long waited offer to Asasi Pintar and went to an unknown private university with unsure future but alas, it was last year when all that happened. Now those who choose the foundation programme is to enter their degree while I'm still stuck in this A Level programme for another few months. Honestly, I'm just plain jealous with those people. Not to mention heartbroken when I finally admits that JPA is just giving away false hope. Pffftttt, this will stick to my mind like a super-glued paper of unwanted memory that you cannot throw away.

Yet, the decision I made last year is just based on this sentence that keeps haunting me; What if I can really make it to the UK. Huh looking back at it now, I really do sound foolish enough. It's just that tiny, little crack of hope in the wall of insecurity that made me bravely chose this path to my tertiary education. Not to say I'm giving up but the chance of getting to my dream university seemed so distance that I can barely find a way to go there. Seriously, DO NOT give other people false hope, it hurts more than just telling the truth.

Now I'm just feeling grateful that I can still further my education to the tertiary level sponsored. Maybe going to other countries is not good for me after all. Allah the Almighty knows better. Whatever it is, I think I have tried. So, no regrets please. Live your life to the fullest and remember Allah always! Till then, Assalamualaikum. :)

Feelings

Have you ever questioned yourself why are you feeling all those feelings? 

Feelings make things miserable.

They make things unbearable.

They temper you judgements.

But when you look from another perspective;

Feelings make things beautiful.

Feeling also make things bearable

They force you to make better judgement.

Is life a screwed up events replayed all over again again and again. I think not. The world is just a temporary world and we are the travellers. We must find the way to our ultimate goal ourselves even though they are bent, blocked, buried and bumpy ones.

Fair or not

Beware, the passage you are going to read might or might not agree and it is super long passage. Do not say that I did not warn you.

The world is unfair, as some people might think. Why I didn't get that, why didn't I given that choice, why did they get it and I don't. It is not. We(I am, maybe you are not) the selfish and greedy human beings tends to see things as beneficial or not beneficial to us. The fact is, sometimes things might not go that well for us but it is our job to deal with it. Life as my mother always said; is like a wheel. There are ups and downs. Do not, I repeat do not expect things to turn out like what we want them to be. Life doesn't work that way you know. But, just because some sad, disappointing, heart-crushing, catastrophic things happened, your life is done. We just need to try and try and try some more. I know(seriously) how easy it is to be said than to be done. The feeling of giving up, worthless, they come to me often but thank god, between them there are moments of sanity when I reminded myself I have God, a loving family, friends and I am certainly far more fortunate than some people who have to struggle for some food just to survive. Again, I know how these words are far easier said or in this case easier to be typed. Yet, see the life in its brighter side, things happened for a reason. Maybe things that you think are good for you are not necessarily good. So, cheer up! Enjoy your every second of life.

Till then, Assalamualaikum.

Last semester already

       1st of July means only one thing, my third and last semester has begun. This is one of the most important semester for my A level because at the end of this year there will be A2 examination and there is sooooo much to study and do. Although I have learnt some of the A2 syllabus last semester but there is none in my head now. Then there are applications and tests to be taken care of, fuhhh. IELTS? Oh my, I am totally not a language person but (unfortunately) to enter the medicine/dentistry I have to get at least 7 or some university, 7.5 out of 9. OUT OF 9!! With no serious practice whatsoever you can only imagine how rusty my English are. No kidding.

       So what am I doing here now? GO GET SOME BOOKS!!

Till then, assalamaualaikum. :)

Meeting a dentist and a dental specialist

       I am truly grateful to Allah for the chance that had been presented on me today. My dear aunt who knows I am still half hearted in my decision for my degree offered me to meet with a dental specialist (in oral and maxillofacial surgery to be specific) and he (while meeting him) offered me to meet the general dentist, who is very very kind next door who is an alumna of the Manchester University (my dream university)!!!! I really couldn't thank both of them enough for the time they spared for me and the invaluable advices they gave me.

       The specialist was kind enough to spend some time with me and shared his opinions of both fields and as commercial answer( I think ) he answered both field is almost the same in terms of studying and you need an excellent (perfect I say) results to enter these fields. But he did mentioned that there are too many medical doctors but less increase in market(if you understand what that mean) and what that is more important is that we should do our degrees in fields that we are truly interested (and have acceptable skills) in. He also did remind me to not be too caught up in thinking which profession suits myself most as sometimes things might not turn up as we expect them to be. (Absolutely right). Not to mention that he commented that our local universities have lower quality dental programme than overseas programme(UK).

      Now that we have heard a specialist opinion let's hear from a general dentist's views. The first question I asked, are you going to specialised in any of the dental specialities and she said with no doubt(seriously) No. Then the obvious question, why? She said that she is truly happy and satisfied with her profession now and she prefer to see a variety kind of patients rather than just one type of patients. She has been in the field for 16 years now (but she looked really young) and have her own clinic. Then another question popped up, how about her life as a dentistry student and she happily(again) said that she had a great life as a student and she had just realised how good her lecturers are because when she went to seminars lately they are bringing up the methods that she had been studying and practising for 16 years. 16 years!

      That is why both of them said that continuing my degree overseas (UK) in the recognised universities of course is much better because of the quality of the lecturers and the technologies. Nonetheless we shouldn't give up our field (even it seems almost impossible to get in) and we can still continue our degree locally. Last but not least, a food for thought, if it takes 16 years for the knowledge to come to Malaysia and known to dentists, what is exactly the students are learning??

Till then, Assalamualaikum

AS? DONE!

A month of waiting and it's done. Alhamdulillah, I'm really glad that it's done but I am also very nervous for the outcome. Insyaa Allah I have done my best and just praying for the results. Next sem it will be the A2, better go and prepare for now.till then, Assalamualaikum.

Hospital attachment, an eye opening experience

From the 25th of May until 31st of June my A-level friends aka my classmates and I (a total of 5 people ) went to KPJ SSH, Seremban for a hospital attachment as we call it.

We are lucky enough to be accepted by Prof Dr Wan Hazmy the medical director of KPJ SSH as most of other hospitals wouldn't accept A-level students. They prefer the actual medical students to reduce number of trainee especially in private hospitals. No surprise when the common asked questions are "which year are you?" or "doing your practical?".

There we are shadowing the doctors( 3 actually, a physician, a paediatrics, and an orthopaedics). Following their ward roundings, observing their ways in their clinics, (taking lunch when they are not, going back early than them) and got to see how a specialist spend their life. It really made me to reconsider my choice of pursuing in the dental area because I can see satisfaction in this job though I am constantly reminded how hard this job is especially for women.

In the end everything is still uncertain and I haven't finished my AS yet. Wish me luck (lol, talking to myself)!

Assalamualaikum. Till then.

KPM Bursary holder I am.

'For this year(2012), all SPM leavers that get 9A+ and above will automatically get Bursary by the government through KPM'

That's an awfully good news. But the downside of it is that there are no more JPA scholarship for SPM leavers, EXCEPT for engineering(I want to be a dentist, if you're curious).

Well, I am NOT saying that studying in public university is anything worse but the mentality of studying overseas for degree has been carved, painted, screwed, pasted in my childish mind from (I think) kindergarten so when there is an opportunity laying in front of me, NO way I'm going to lose it. Although that means I have to give up my offered place in AsasiPintar, UKM (my dream foundation programme for public university).

So, here I am in INTI International University taking 18 months CIE A level programme with subject combination of Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Maths. I purposely take the 18 months programme because, hey we will never know what will happen in the future so the faster the better.

Someone wise(not really) told me before A level is really just studying past years papers. Well, I kinda half agree with that. Just finished my AS (except for paper 1) and yes, past years do help (A LOT) but as my lecturers always said those CIE people are creative in preparing question(hell yes!) you still need to be aware of the techniques and some other secret ingredients to answer the questions.

About the bursary programme, we the lab-rat batch aka the 'pioneer batch' there are still lots of things that are not clear especially about the degree programme's scholarship by JPA and some other small(medium if i can say) things such as the IELTS fees, university application fees, and the list of universities provided by JPA(ridiculous list, I say).

Nonetheless, I am truly grateful for the Bursary as going to private universities only comes in my dreams but it is now my reality and I will have to struggle(insyaa Allah), for the upcoming degree programme, the same as my other colleagues  in the pre-university programme.

Till then, Assalamualaikum. :)