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When we practice on something, after some time we will definitely become better at it.

Like now I am better at stopping conversations even before they started no matter if it is Malay or English.
Like now I am much better at building that invisible wall so that I trust only few.(or none, no offence)
Like now when I rarely speak to people, I have difficulties saying out loud my thoughts.
And worst, I am so much better at not talking, now I'm talking with no one outside my home.

Kind of sad really but doing those things are much easier than having to interact with others.
I don't have to remember his/her name, the stories they told, the things they like or don't. It's not that they are being irritating but I'm saving myself the fuss of feeling guilty.
Plain selfish, ain't I?

Now I'm feeling nothing.
Just move on.
And moving on.
Without a glance of the present.
Because now, I'm sure I worth nothing.

Nervous

Have you ever feel like sleeping is wasting your time and you need to wake up and continue to study and study and study. Luckily, although I have that kind of feelings all the time, I have never had the strength to do it. Huh. Now that I've done with paper 33 CIE Mathematics, all the motivations that I had before seems to vanished. A week to go for the next paper. AHHH. Okay, I better start to study now.

UKCAT

oh no. Slacked big time!

AS results

Well well well, 13th of August, right on 1.00pm I checked my result for the AS examination. Alhamdulillah, thank God I got 4As for my AS. Though I am a bit disaapointed with my percentile, I am still grateful to get such result.

Now, although it's just a few months ago I've finished my AS A2 is coming up real soon. Like seriously soon enough that I am having goosebumps for just bringng this topic up. Ughhh. And yeah, A2 is like triple hard than AS. Oh my, what am I doing here rambling about things, I should go start my exercises now!

Till then, Assalamualaikum.

False hope

I might have been too optimistic, but I wont regret it. Though it seems like a decade ago I rejected the UKM 's long waited offer to Asasi Pintar and went to an unknown private university with unsure future but alas, it was last year when all that happened. Now those who choose the foundation programme is to enter their degree while I'm still stuck in this A Level programme for another few months. Honestly, I'm just plain jealous with those people. Not to mention heartbroken when I finally admits that JPA is just giving away false hope. Pffftttt, this will stick to my mind like a super-glued paper of unwanted memory that you cannot throw away.

Yet, the decision I made last year is just based on this sentence that keeps haunting me; What if I can really make it to the UK. Huh looking back at it now, I really do sound foolish enough. It's just that tiny, little crack of hope in the wall of insecurity that made me bravely chose this path to my tertiary education. Not to say I'm giving up but the chance of getting to my dream university seemed so distance that I can barely find a way to go there. Seriously, DO NOT give other people false hope, it hurts more than just telling the truth.

Now I'm just feeling grateful that I can still further my education to the tertiary level sponsored. Maybe going to other countries is not good for me after all. Allah the Almighty knows better. Whatever it is, I think I have tried. So, no regrets please. Live your life to the fullest and remember Allah always! Till then, Assalamualaikum. :)

Feelings

Have you ever questioned yourself why are you feeling all those feelings? 

Feelings make things miserable.

They make things unbearable.

They temper you judgements.

But when you look from another perspective;

Feelings make things beautiful.

Feeling also make things bearable

They force you to make better judgement.

Is life a screwed up events replayed all over again again and again. I think not. The world is just a temporary world and we are the travellers. We must find the way to our ultimate goal ourselves even though they are bent, blocked, buried and bumpy ones.

Fair or not

Beware, the passage you are going to read might or might not agree and it is super long passage. Do not say that I did not warn you.

The world is unfair, as some people might think. Why I didn't get that, why didn't I given that choice, why did they get it and I don't. It is not. We(I am, maybe you are not) the selfish and greedy human beings tends to see things as beneficial or not beneficial to us. The fact is, sometimes things might not go that well for us but it is our job to deal with it. Life as my mother always said; is like a wheel. There are ups and downs. Do not, I repeat do not expect things to turn out like what we want them to be. Life doesn't work that way you know. But, just because some sad, disappointing, heart-crushing, catastrophic things happened, your life is done. We just need to try and try and try some more. I know(seriously) how easy it is to be said than to be done. The feeling of giving up, worthless, they come to me often but thank god, between them there are moments of sanity when I reminded myself I have God, a loving family, friends and I am certainly far more fortunate than some people who have to struggle for some food just to survive. Again, I know how these words are far easier said or in this case easier to be typed. Yet, see the life in its brighter side, things happened for a reason. Maybe things that you think are good for you are not necessarily good. So, cheer up! Enjoy your every second of life.

Till then, Assalamualaikum.